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ALWAYS - 1x3, Part 2
//song lyrics// Three days later, I'm sorting my meager belongings, trying not to think about what I'm doing. Packing doesn't take long as I keep very few physical things. Instead, I store up pictures in my mind, snapshots of moments I don't want to forget. As I sit on my bed in Catherine's trailer, I stare at the half clown mask in my hands, but my mind is seeing other things. I remember one day, Heero and I were walking through a park. It was Fall, the wind was cool, and the leaves were brilliant colours as they fell from the trees. He walked with his hands tucked into his jacket pockets, while I carried a small picnic basket with our lunch. As we crossed the park, I saw a young woman and her dog frolicking in the leaves. The dog was digging the leaf piles with its nose, tossing scarlet and crimson and orange and gold around him. And his coat was the same colour as the leaves. He looked like some shaggy woodland spirit come to romp with the humans for a while. I pointed him out to Heero, and his first comment was about the breed of the dog - an Irish red setter, I believe it was. But then he really looked... and he smiled, a real, honest, open smile. I wish all my snapshots were so pleasant, so beautiful. But there are dark ones, of course. Ones that inspire -- or are inspired by -- nightmares. And one in particular that makes my heart ache.
//Now your pictures that you left behind
He's smiling as he steps closer and wraps his arms around me. I bend my head down slightly, and his lips encounter mine. They are questioning at first, but then more confident as I return the kiss. It's only been in the past couple months that I've let him get this far, allowed myself to get this close. It's taken practice and a lot of effort to learn not to numb out when he touches me. At least this gentle kind of kiss has no associations with my past. I can enjoy it. And I do. But I know he wants more. I can feel it in the tension in his body, the way his hands roam over my back and buttocks. I don't want to say no. I don't want to refuse him anything, but still I'm afraid. Not afraid of what he'll do to me, no. I've lost all fear of what might happen to my body. And I know he won't harm me. Rather I'm afraid of feeling, of staying connected. I don't know what it will be like. "Trowa," he says, or moans, really. His eyes are deep and passionate. So intense. He wants it tonight. How can I say no? I let him lead me to the bedroom, concentrating on staying present and enjoying being with him. We undress each other, his eyes constantly catching mine, asking "is this okay?" My answer is always in the way I return his caresses, his kisses. So sweet and gentle he is, so unlike the grim pilot I knew during the war. We lie down together, and he's careful not to pin me down or make me feel trapped. His hands are like fire on my body, warming me in strange ways. I want to step back and observe, but I know that if I do, I won't feel these strange and wonderful sensations. So I focus on staying with him. Until finally I am lying on my stomach and he moves over top of me. He is infinitely slow and gentle, but even so... As I feel his hardness slide into me, something inside me breaks again, and I step away. My mind slips back to that safe place, behind the thorns, and I let my body respond as it will. But when he stops moving and withdraws, my attention snaps back outwards. "Trowa?" he questions, moving to lie beside me. I turn my head. "You stopped responding.... Is something wrong?" "I... " I don't know what to say. I marvel at his attentiveness to me, that he would notice how my body responds. He is so amazingly tender. "I don't think... I can't do this yet.... I'm sorry." Something in his eyes falls a little, and I know he's hurt. "That's alright," he says, settling himself beside me. "I won't force you." "I know," I say softly. "Thank you."
I glance up as the trailer rocks. My heart is aching still. I know something broke inside him that night. Some secret store of his patience was exhausted. I could give him nothing, it seemed. So unfair of me, really, to keep taking all that kindness and gentleness, without giving him anything he could hold on to. And so when that long-haired, vibrant chatterbox showed up at our door, how I could blame Heero for the choice he made?
"Konnichiwa, Trowa-san!!" I blink at the bundle of energy on our doorstep. "Duo Maxwell, what a surprise." And it is, although I know my tone doesn't really say so. "Hey, man, how are ya? You gonna invite me in, or what?" How can he be so abrasive and endearing at the same time? It must be the grin. The one that encompasses his entire face. Even his eyes are sparkling. I step aside. "Certainly. Heero," I call, "Duo is here to visit." The former pilot bounces into our living room. Suddenly the place seems a whole lot smaller than it is with just the quiet pair of us around. Heero is sitting on the couch, but he stands up to greet Duo. I think he was going to offer to shake hands, but Duo bounces over - yes, over, not around - the coffee table, and hugs him. "Heero! Good to see ya, man! You're looking as... uh... Heero-like as always!" He's still grinning like a maniac. Heero frowns, but I think it's old war time habits re-surfacing. He doesn't actually dislike Duo. "Would you care for some refreshments, Duo?" I ask politely. "Sure, pop would be great, if ya got any." He plops down on the couch, tugging Heero down beside him. I'm not sure how to react to this sudden invasion of our quiet home, so I retreat to the kitchen to find drinks for us. By the time I return, Heero's face has settled into it's familiar scowl and Duo is chattering animatedly about a project he's working on on L2 with Hilde. "But I need your help, man," he's saying as I return. I set the pop cans down on the coffee table and curl up in my armchair. "See, I need someone to crack into this database for me, cuz I know the SOBs who own it are up to no good. But I don't have any proof." He casts a pleading look at Heero. "Yet." "Hn." Heero looks at me, and I shrug helplessly. I don't know what he wants, but I do know what Duo wants. And it's not just a cracker. He's wanted Heero for years, since back during the war. But Heero the soldier wasn't about to get involved in a relationship with anyone, let alone another pilot. Heero the civilian, on the other hand... I don't know what he wants. I thought it was me, but.... "How long?" "Well, that's up to you, man, and how long it takes ya to get the stuff I need. A month at the most, I guess, allowing for full surveilance and intelligence." I'm losing him, I realize with a sudden spasm of panic. I'm going to lose him to this bright-eyed chatterbox who is so wrong for him. But Duo is so full of life, so open and giving. How could Heero NOT be attracted to that after nearly a year of living with me? I don't know what to say so I take the wrong path as always, and say nothing. Heero's still looking at me, and Duo looks like he's watching a tennis match as his gaze swings back and forth between the two of us. "It's up to you, Heero," I remark dispassionately. He frowns, and I know I've said the wrong thing. He turns to Duo then, and studies him for a long moment. The long-haired boy goes still and solemn beneath that scrutiny. "Alright," Heero says finally. "I'll go." "Great! You're awesome, man!" Duo bounces up, unable to contain his excitement. "Oh, and don't worry, I'll pay for everything for ya!" Something is breaking inside of me. I think there is a flood rising - a flood of tears I can't release. I leave the room, leaving them to their negotiations and arrangements.
"Trowa?" I jerk my head up. Catherine is standing in the doorway. When all I do is blink at her, she closes the door behind her and walks over to me. "What's wrong?" I can't speak past the lump in my throat. Blinking sends tears trickling down my cheeks. I feel the wetness, but I can't believe it's there. I can't be... crying. "Trowa?" Her concern is plain on her face. Her brow is furrowed in worry and her eyes are very wide. Why do I cause those who love me to worry so much? There's a big aching flood inside me, and this time, I can't stop it. She sits beside me and I press my face against her shoulder. "Catherine... Catherine... I lo... I lo-ove him...." My voice breaks in a hiccup, and I start sobbing. How long I cry, I don't know. She stays beside me, stroking my hair and murmuring soothing things. "I... I should... should have told him...." "Shh, Trowa," she whispers. "It'll be okay. It will work out." I let her reassure me because I can't stand the ache anymore. I need something to believe in again. I need him again. In the midst of my tears I find the strength I need. I will go to L2, and I will tell him. What happens after that, I don't really care to think about, but at least I know I can do that much.
//And I, will love you, baby - Always
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